STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

This weekend, Randi and I headed to Minnesota to visit her extended family. Going to Iowa is bad, but at least here, I got to go to a Yankees/Twins game.

First of all, Randi's grandparents live in an assisted living facility outside of Minneapolis. Instead of staying at a hotel nearby, for some reason we stayed in the "guest suite" in the lobby of the assisted living facility. It's like a regular room at the place, complete with handlebars in the shower. I know I turn 30 this week, but there is no need to check me into a nursing home just yet. I haven't even pulled a Barcus and peed on myself in a couple of years. Worst of all, it was right off the lobby. Every time Randi opened the door, some poor 80 year old lady had to hear the blare of Sportscenter and see me with my hand down my underwear. Randi insists we stay there as not to "offend" her grandparents. I can't make her understand that banging her on their kitchen table would offend them, being comfortable in a Hyatt would not.

We're sitting around the dinner table having our Easter meal, and the subject of my birthday comes up. All of a sudden, her mom realizes the date. April 20th. And she goes, "Oh my God. That's Hitler's birthday.," and starts to go on about it. Exactly what I want to talk about at EASTER dinner. It's bad enough her cousins blame me for the crucifixion, but now the Hitler jokes are flying. I tried to change the subject by asking if I could get my ham on a piece of matzoh, but that just got me more dirty looks.

So we go to Church the next morning, and of course we are late, so we have to sit in the very front row. There was a point during the service where you have to turn to everyone around you, shake their hand, and say Happy Easter, or Peace be With You or something. That was an uncomfortable feeling. Of course, I just shook everyone's hand and said L'Chiam under my breath. And it was more of an evangelical church than I am used to. For one, someone fell ill during the service, so the pastor had to buy time. He started making up prayers, right on the spot. It was like Greg Focker saying Grace. "Oh Jesus, we need you now. Seriously, like right now. We pray that you give us peace, and bring us health. Right now." And then he paused, peaked out of one eye, and saw that the paramedics hadn't gotten the guy out yet, so he yelled "We simply want to pray to you in peace!" He seemed a little pissed. Like Jesus was just fucking with him during his service. So he finally says Amen and looks around. But no one else said anything. So he called out the congregation, and said "I didn't hear an Amen. How bout a round of applause for Jesus!". And everyone started clapping. I felt like I was in the audience of the Arsenio Hall Show. I thought he was going to point to the choir, pump his fist and say "Give it up for the dog pound! Hoo Hoo Hoo!" And lets not forget, I am in the front row. He is staring me down the entire time. Like I was wearing my Maccabi Games warm-ups or something. So finally, he gets to his sermon. It was about the 3 responses to the Easter miracle. Those who believe, those who are not sure but seek more, and the "scoffers". Those who scoff at the story and call Bullshit. I don't think those were his exact words, but you get the point. And he says. "I am sure there are one or two of you in here." I felt like he was staring me down. I probably was in the line of sight of the TelePrompter or something, but for this story, I got stared down by the Pastor. He says it's good there are these scoffers, to make everyone else realize that Easter is a mircale. And as he is saying this, Randi's grandfather looks at me, and nods, and her dad pats me on the back. Like they are proud that they are the ones that brought the scoffing jew-boy to church.

Randi's uncle has a life size Jeri Ryan Seven-of-Nine cardboard cut out. It's one thing to love Jerri Ryan when you are in junior high and saw her on Star Trek, and I guess you could even get away with wanting to bang her as an adult after her stint on Boston Public. But there is something strange about seeing a life-sized Star Trek cut out in a grown man's guest room.