STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

I am convinced this dog has some Taliban in him.  He chomps at your ass every chance he gets.  He digs in the couch constantly.  He destroys any sort of paper good or product that happens to fall on the floor.  If he got arrested for scouting out NYC bridges and tunnels, I would not be surprised.  The other day he went after a poodle because she wasn't wearing a burka.

He is so fucking spoiled. Forget about the 3000 toys and bones he has.  We’ve spent FOUR GRAND on him on training alone already.  Normally, you spend that kind of dough and you’re pretty close to an associates degree.  Instead, all we’ve got to show for it is a dog who knows how to sit and only shits in the house twice a week instead of daily.

On top of his college education, he goes to doggie daycare 3 days a week.  I got a call the other day from the lady that runs it saying he was being disruptive, not listening and annoying the other dogs.  I mean, we know he’s mine and all, but it’s looking more and more like I actually fathered him.

Half the things he does, I know he does just to taunt me.  The other day, I’m driving him home in my Explorer, and I looked back at him in the rearview mirror.  We made eye contact, and I saw he was TAKING A DUMP in the back of the truck.  He gave me this look like there was nothing I could do and said, “Just drive motherfucker.”  At this point, he doesn’t even know the words “no” or “bag dog”.  But he is certainly familiar with “Stop being an asshole” and “You little fuck”.