BEST OFhttp://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/en-US2009-11-30T11:44:46ZSquarespace Site Server v5.8.3 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Bad Dog (6/3/08)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2008/8/29/bad-dog-6308.htmlDMut2008-08-29T02:28:57ZDiamonds (12/8/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2008/8/24/diamonds-12806.htmlDMut2008-08-24T04:46:16ZRandi was playing around with her wedding band last night. I got snookered into returning her original band, and buying her one with more diamonds. Randi is quickly becoming the Nelly of Cedar Rapids, IA. All she needs is one of those grillz. Oh, and a rap career. And a really really dark tan.

Anyway, she was commenting on what a good job the jeweler did. “Can you imagine working with diamonds all day? You’d kind of get spoiled.” “Uh, kind of like a gynecologist?” I asked.

Obviously, no sex for me last night.

]]>1.21 Gigawatz! (10/9/2007)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2008/8/24/121-gigawatz-1092007.htmlDMut2008-08-24T04:42:23ZSo North Korea tested a nuclear bomb last night. I’m watching the news in bed, and there was a report that China was given a 20 minute warning ahead of the test. Randi was lying next to me and got all mad. She’s like, “North Korea can give a 20 minute warning about an impending nuclear explosion, but you can’t give me a 10 second heads up that you are about to fart under the blanket?”

]]>Baxter al-Zawahiri (originally posted 8/19/07)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2007/10/17/baxter-al-zawahiri-originally-posted-81907.htmlDMut2007-10-17T14:38:46Z

I am convinced this dog has some Taliban in him. He chomps at your ass every chance he gets. He digs in the couch constantly. He destroys any sort of paper good or product that happens to fall on the floor. If he got arrested for scouting out NYC bridges and tunnels, I would not be surprised. The other day he went after a poodle because she wasn't wearing a burka.

He is so fucking spoiled. Forget about the 3000 toys and bones he has. We’ve spent FOUR GRAND on him on training alone already. Normally, you spend that kind of dough and you’re pretty close to an associates degree. Instead, all we’ve got to show for it is a dog who knows how to sit and only shits in the house twice a week instead of daily.

On top of his college education, he goes to doggie daycare 3 days a week. I got a call the other day from the lady that runs it saying he was being disruptive, not listening and annoying the other dogs. I mean, we know he’s mine and all, but it’s looking more and more like I actually fathered him.

Half the things he does, I know he does just to taunt me. The other day, I’m driving him home in my Explorer, and I looked back at him in the rearview mirror. We made eye contact, and I saw he was TAKING A DUMP in the back of the truck. He gave me this look like there was nothing I could do and said, “Just drive motherfucker.” At this point, he doesn’t even know the words “no” or “bag dog”. But he is certainly familiar with “Stop being an asshole” and “You little fuck”.

]]>Easter (originally posted 4/17/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2006/7/26/easter-originally-posted-41706.htmlDMut2006-07-26T19:19:32ZThis weekend, Randi and I headed to Minnesota to visit her extended family. Going to Iowa is bad, but at least here, I got to go to a Yankees/Twins game.

First of all, Randi's grandparents live in an assisted living facility outside of Minneapolis. Instead of staying at a hotel nearby, for some reason we stayed in the "guest suite" in the lobby of the assisted living facility. It's like a regular room at the place, complete with handlebars in the shower. I know I turn 30 this week, but there is no need to check me into a nursing home just yet. I haven't even pulled a Barcus and peed on myself in a couple of years. Worst of all, it was right off the lobby. Every time Randi opened the door, some poor 80 year old lady had to hear the blare of Sportscenter and see me with my hand down my underwear. Randi insists we stay there as not to "offend" her grandparents. I can't make her understand that banging her on their kitchen table would offend them, being comfortable in a Hyatt would not.

We're sitting around the dinner table having our Easter meal, and the subject of my birthday comes up. All of a sudden, her mom realizes the date. April 20th. And she goes, "Oh my God. That's Hitler's birthday.," and starts to go on about it. Exactly what I want to talk about at EASTER dinner. It's bad enough her cousins blame me for the crucifixion, but now the Hitler jokes are flying. I tried to change the subject by asking if I could get my ham on a piece of matzoh, but that just got me more dirty looks.

So we go to Church the next morning, and of course we are late, so we have to sit in the very front row. There was a point during the service where you have to turn to everyone around you, shake their hand, and say Happy Easter, or Peace be With You or something. That was an uncomfortable feeling. Of course, I just shook everyone's hand and said L'Chiam under my breath. And it was more of an evangelical church than I am used to. For one, someone fell ill during the service, so the pastor had to buy time. He started making up prayers, right on the spot. It was like Greg Focker saying Grace. "Oh Jesus, we need you now. Seriously, like right now. We pray that you give us peace, and bring us health. Right now." And then he paused, peaked out of one eye, and saw that the paramedics hadn't gotten the guy out yet, so he yelled "We simply want to pray to you in peace!" He seemed a little pissed. Like Jesus was just fucking with him during his service. So he finally says Amen and looks around. But no one else said anything. So he called out the congregation, and said "I didn't hear an Amen. How bout a round of applause for Jesus!". And everyone started clapping. I felt like I was in the audience of the Arsenio Hall Show. I thought he was going to point to the choir, pump his fist and say "Give it up for the dog pound! Hoo Hoo Hoo!" And lets not forget, I am in the front row. He is staring me down the entire time. Like I was wearing my Maccabi Games warm-ups or something. So finally, he gets to his sermon. It was about the 3 responses to the Easter miracle. Those who believe, those who are not sure but seek more, and the "scoffers". Those who scoff at the story and call Bullshit. I don't think those were his exact words, but you get the point. And he says. "I am sure there are one or two of you in here." I felt like he was staring me down. I probably was in the line of sight of the TelePrompter or something, but for this story, I got stared down by the Pastor. He says it's good there are these scoffers, to make everyone else realize that Easter is a mircale. And as he is saying this, Randi's grandfather looks at me, and nods, and her dad pats me on the back. Like they are proud that they are the ones that brought the scoffing jew-boy to church.

Randi's uncle has a life size Jeri Ryan Seven-of-Nine cardboard cut out. It's one thing to love Jerri Ryan when you are in junior high and saw her on Star Trek, and I guess you could even get away with wanting to bang her as an adult after her stint on Boston Public. But there is something strange about seeing a life-sized Star Trek cut out in a grown man's guest room.

]]>Weight Watchers (originally posted 2/7/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2006/7/26/weight-watchers-originally-posted-2706.htmlDMut2006-07-26T19:00:54ZI joined Weight Watchers last night. I am officially a 39 year old woman. I went with my cousin Stu, who will remain nameless. I go to check in, and I’m filling out the forms, and I am told there are some materials I should buy to help me. Guides and stuff. It’s like half the price if you buy the starter pack. It was just a little weird because the starter pack includes a little purse to keep all your materials in. So now I’m walking around with a purse with the Weight Watchers logo on it. And to think, not that long ago, I was at the Playboy party in San Diego holding my own. My, how far my star has fallen.

Stu hadn’t gone in a while, and he was surprised when the told him he had to pay for the missed meetings. They said it was an extra form of motivation to keep you coming. I told the lady I tried that with my gym membership at East Bank Club. If $160 a month isn’t getting me to a gym full of hot chicks in leotards, $11 certainly isn’t getting me to a conference room full of women with weight problems.

]]>Anniversaries (originally posted 1/18/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2006/7/26/anniversaries-originally-posted-11806.htmlDMut2006-07-26T18:26:14ZI don’t believe in celebrating dating anniversaries. I hate when I hear a friend say, “Sorry, can’t make it. We’re going to dinner. It’s our 7 month anniversary.” What the fuck is that? Even if it was a one year anniversary, it’s still dumb. What do you count from anyway? The day you met? Your first date? The first time you introduced a ball-gag into your relationship (my litmus test)? Anniversaries are for married people. Period. Dating anniversaries are just excuses in college to go to T.G.I. Friday’s. “Honey, it’s been an amazing six months. Let’s order off the Jack Daniel’s menu.”

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While Randi and I won’t have a real anniversary until July 1, 2007, we did have a different anniversary of some sort this weekend. Sunday marked the one-year anniversary of the first time I passed gas in front of her. Now THAT is a moment to savor for all time. I spent 9 months holding it in, or sneaking out to the living room and putting my ass between the couch cushions. For a guy like me, it was 9 months of hell. “Honey, where did you go?” “To walk the dog.” “But you didn’t take the dog with you.” We were in Breckenridge, CO on a ski trip, and I was deathly ill with an early form of bird flu. Combine that with the altitude, not the mention the 83 beers I drank, and you had a recipe for disaster. I was so bloated and had to let it out so bad, I was in actually pain. Randi knew how sick I was and said, “Just let it go, it’s no big deal.” Did that ever open up the flood gates. 1 year and 187 million BTU’s out of me later, Randi is still in shock that she ever unleashed the fury on herself. I was telling this story in front of her this weekend, and she said, “Honey, I meant you should let it go THAT NIGHT, while you were sick. NOT FROM THAT POINT FORWARD ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I actually feel a little bad for her. If doctors ever studied her lungs, they might think she was a coal miner. She may be the first person ever to catch black lung from someone’s ass. Lucky for me, she has learned to live with it, and it barely register’s with her anymore. In fact, this weekend, back in the Rocky Mountains, around 3AM after an evening of drinking and bar food, I unleashed a bombing to rival our attack on Tora Bora. Instead of complaining or making a big fuss, she just rolled over, and said in a sleepy little voice, “Honey, check your shorts.” And with that, she went right back to sleep.]]>Top Gun (originally posted 5/22/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2006/7/26/top-gun-originally-posted-52206.htmlDMut2006-07-26T17:34:24ZSaturday, The Kipper, JMut and I went skydiving. I did NOT want to go, but we agreed to go with Kip for his birthday. I told JMut I was going to hire a stunt double. He said, “Well you’re going to have a tough time finding someone that ugly.” Dick.

How come when I told all my friends I had made it down safely, the overwhelming response was, “Damn”?

I had called Randi from the place to let her know that we were delayed a bit, and not to get worried. She told me she had been cleaning the house like a madman all morning, trying to keep her mind off things. Ah-ha!! I think I’m on to something here. I mean, what a plan. Just tell her I am doing something nuts, and she’ll clean the house. Although, I think I blew the plan already. I am not sure she believes they are having Running with the Bulls next weekend in Evanston.

So after our crazy day of skydiving, we went out to see our favorite cover band, Then Again, and to celebrate the Kipper’s birthday, and mine belatedly. We got fucking hammered and I guess I had my shirt unbuttoned or something, as Randi took me aside and told me “no one wants to look at your velvety rug.”

My cousin Seth was in town this weekend with a couple of buddies. They are from Richmond, Virginia. We go to order shots of whisky, which you assume is what a southern guy would drink, and Seth’s friend puts up his hand and says, “No no no. I don’t drink whisky. I’ll take a Kamikaze.” OK, realize he is like 6’2” 270. And this guy is ordering a drink usually reserved for sorority pledges. And you wonder why the south lost the war.

Like I said, everyone was hammered (except for maybe the Richmond crew as they ran out of Zima). At the end of the night, we had our second case of wedding party inbreeding. I refuse to name names, but if this keeps up, the only one not getting laid on my wedding night is going to be me.

I will say, it was great to see everyone out for our birthdays. I’m going to overlook the fact that we had to bribe them with an open bar and free food. I think some people were actually there for us. And I did get an amazing gift. I got those Bose Noise canceling headphones. They are insane. You put them on, and you can’t hear any stray noises, and can barely hear voices at all. I’m getting married in six weeks. These are going to be QUITE HANDY!

]]>Christmas in Iowa (originally posted 12/27/06)http://dmut.squarespace.com/best-of/2006/7/26/christmas-in-iowa-originally-posted-122706.htmlDMut2006-07-26T16:23:47ZSO, as many of you know, I am going out of the faith and marrying a Christian. Along with eating pork and having milkshakes with my hamburgers, this of course means I get to celebrate Chirstmas. But , since I always celebrate Christmas anyway, albeit with a trip to a Chinese restaurant and A.C. or the boats, all it really means I get to celebrate Chirstmas in a different way. Last year, while I was still just dating Randi, I made the trip to her hometown of Cedar Rapids for the holiday. Her mom, in a not so subtle attempt to marry off her daughter, went completely out of her way to make me feel comfortable. They got me a blue stocking; they gave me a nice dradel ornament for their tree; they had Star-of-David cookies for dessert. Get the point? Well in case I missed it, they also took me to see Meet the Fockers, and invited their Jewish friends (perhaps the only Jews in all of Iowa) over for lunch the next day. It was like I was an exchange student miles from

home. This year, while not as over the top, they again made me "feel at home". The house had blue lights all over, and the tree had blue ornaments and tinsel. While of course it's a nice gesture, if they really wanted to make me feel at home, they would have let me lie on the couch in my boxers while eating cold leftovers with my hands. And they would have some form of pornography, or at the very least some soft-core Cinemax playing the whole time. The did have the Giants game on TV on Saturday, which kind of made me feel at home, but the lack of the DirecTV football package AND, of course, the picture of Baby Jesus staring down at me snapped me back to reality. Anyway, we head off to Church. It was pretty cool. I really didn't feel uncomfortable, except when every single person in the Curch got up to take communion, and I just sat there. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I pictured myself looking as Jewish as could be, and I imagined my nose hanging over the pew into the row in front of me. I'm sure it was all in my head. Of course, when we first sat down, Randi's comment didn't help. I forget what led to it, but her response of, "It's ok, you're Jewish", basically at the top of her lungs, got a slight response. Slight, as in, EVERYONE IN THE FRIGGIN CHURCH TURNED AROUND TO STARE AT ME. "Oh, did I say that loud?"

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