STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

I have one job as a father...

KEEP HER OFF THE POLE

Josie on the Main Stage

Apparently I need to take a parenting class

By the way, Happy New Year everyone.  Here's to hoping 2009 is a lot better than the shitshow of '08.  I'm off to a good start.  We're only 6 days in and already I kept my new years resolution.  Of course, this year my resolution was to put on 22 lbs., so it was kind of a layup.  Figured after nine straight year of "going to run a marathon", might as well set myself up for success.

I can't watch the weather report with Randi anymore.  She insults me everytime.  

Weather guy: "We're expecting 2-4 inches tonight." 

Randi: "Yeah, so am I."

Just once, I'd like to hear that joke when a real storm is coming through and we're getting 6-9 inches.  Instead, all I get is "Must be nice."

Hugh Johnson with the weather

Spent another Christmas in Iowa this year.  (I say that as if maybe this was the year we celebrated in Tel Aviv.) As usual we saw a movie Christmas day. My in-laws normally tailor the plans in the way to make me feel most comfortable. You know, they have their Jewish friends over, make me dreidel cookies, have blue tinsel. Basically anything they saw on television that a Jew was doing, they plan for me. Other than going to jail for a $50 Billion Ponzi scheme.

Well this year, the had an extra special treat for me for the holiday. We went to see "Valkyrie." Lets see, a movie staring a Scientologist about...HITLER!! I could just imagine my in-laws looking at movie times. "Four Christmases? Not Jewish enough... Marley and Me? Looks stupid....Oh, this one is about the Nazi's. David is going to love it!"

Thomas von Maverick

FYI Steve: Didn't need the post movie pep-talk. "Sorry they didn't get him. That might have worked out better for you."  You think??

"Of course Santa exists, Johnny.  Well...did."

Who is this Merry chick?  The only Christmas I know is Lloyd...

Had our firm holiday party the other night.  Dinner at Joe's and an afterparty at Howl at the Moon.  Plus, for the first time, Randi and I availed ourselves to the free hotel room afterwards.  And the place was really nice.  Anyway, when we got back to the room, Randi was hammered.  "I'm wooooo drunk. I looooooove you.... ARE THOSE CASHEWS IN THE MINI-BAR?!?!"  I will say this: A nice place like the Omni I would expect to have thicker walls.  Not sure what kind of male enhancement pill I was slipped, but right after I started making my moves, the people in the next room started banging on the wall.  I guess I can see how moans of ecstasy mixed in with the occasional "You're crushing me" and "That doesn't really feel good" might be a bit disturbing.  

I drifted off to sleep and had a wonderful dream that Randi and I were in much warmer weather....

Got my mind on my diapers and my diapers on my mind...

Tried some of the Breathe Right nasal strips at my last hockey game.  Spencer suggested I wear one, seeming to think a small strip of plastic would somehow counteract my Oprah Winfrey-esqu physique.  I couldn't get the thing to stay on.  Apparently, my nose is so big, a standard nasal strip is just not enough.  So to recap: Condoms? Extra-small.  Breathe Right strips?? MAGNUMS, baby.

"Hey Stu, its me.  Um, I'm not coming to work today....No,no I feel fine.  I'm, uh,  actually calling in....gay."

Next week, I'm calling in fat.  Not as much of a stretch.