STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

What is the story with the Facebook thing?  I mean, for the longest time, I was working under the assumption that if you were over 23 and on a social networking site, you were obviously a pedophile. But I’ve been told that that was the case only with myspace.  With Facebook, you're just a creepy old guy trying not to let their youth slip away.  That shit is TIGHT, yo.  See? It’s working.

I actually signed up after seeing a story about it on 60 Minutes.  Yes, I am taking my social interaction advice from Leslie Stahl.  She's only 70.  I set up my page, posted some pictures, and next thing you know, these friend requests are flying at me like poop at a zoo's monkey house.  I heard from the most random people.  Friends from growing up, girls that had crushes on knew me, people from college. I heard from one of my old camp counselors, who may or may not have touched me inappropriately. I even heard from an old college professor.  "Did you ever get into writing, like you talked about?" "Well, I had said I wanted to write for the Wall Street Journal, but I'm doing something a little more edgy." "Oh, what kind of subjects are you covering?" "I write about beer and tits, sir." "Lovely."

Half the time I can’t even figure out who is asking me to be their friend.  First of all, no one puts their maiden name down.  I know we may have hooked up once back in 1997, but how the hell I am I supposed to know that you are now Mrs. Hector Aceveda??  Second, no offense, but unless you were at my Bar Mitzvah or my wedding, there is a good chance I completely forgot your name.  I can’t remember my cousins’ names.  How I am supposed to remember your name when the only time you told me it was at freshman orientation.  Remember how at the bar at college I always said, “Hey, uh, you!”? Yeah, never knew your name.

But that’s ok.  Someone who I at least had drinks with from time to time, I don’t mind being your online friend.  But there are some people who I still can’t figure out why the asked me.  The old hockey counselor at my camp asked me to be his friend.  My lone memory of him was getting cross-checked across my face in a pick up game.  I don’t think he even asked if I was ok.  But apparently we’re friends!!

Nothing is better than getting a friend request from a girl I haven't heard from in 15 years, and then seeing she is into, well, girls.  Man there are just some things you wish you knew way back when.  For you I say, please take full advantage of the photo features.  And may I point you to www.youporn.com for your next internet stop?  Its like YouTube, but for people with less clothes on.

So keep those friend requests coming. Next time Barcus calls me fat or annoying I can point to my Facebook page and say, “Maybe, but 100 people and counting love me!”