STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

So its been 3 weeks and I am starting to adjust to life with a baby girl.  Apparently, the early optimism is wearing off, as more and more people are saying she looks like me.  

Changing diapers isn’t as big a deal as I thought it would be.  Something I’ve quickly learned, however, is to avoid putting any pressure on her butt when cleaning her up.  If you do, watch out, as there is a good chance her ass is going to blow.  I now know what it must feel like to been under mortar attack in the Green Zone.  Her tushie is like a mini rocket launcher.  I cannot believe how far this kid can blow poop up in the air.  Put this kid in Gaza, and she could easily threaten Tel Aviv.

I am telling you now, there is no way I am ever letting her go online.  There could not be anything worse out there for having a child.  One day she is on Disney.com, and the next thing you know she is hitchhiking to San Diego to meet her “boyfriend”.  Who just got out of the Navy.   The second she is old enough to know what the internet is, Comcast is getting the cancel-my-service call. “Daddy, why can’t I log on?” “Because we’re Amish honey”.  I think we'll do just fine without the internet.  Its only good for two things anyway.  I’ll just go back to shopping at Barnes and Noble, and subscribing to Hustler.