STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

So last week, we welcomed Josephine into the world (Jose for short), and it really was an incredible experience.

Randi went into labor, sometime around 1am on Saturday night, or so she told me the next morning.  She tried to tell me that night, but apparently, I was so drunk, spoken language had no meaning to me.  According to Randi, she found me in the bathroom (in the dark) turning the shower on and off.  When she asked what I was doing, I told her the light switch wasn’t working.  Oh, and I peed in my pants and on the floor.  We spent the day Saturday, trying to figure out if it was false labor or the real deal.  And I did laundry and mopped.  After 24 hours of misery, for both of us, we finally went to the hospital Sunday morning.

One of the first things they do when you check into the hospital is find out who is to make all the medical decisions if something goes wrong.  So Randi had to give me power of attorney to make sure our wishes were met.  The hamster in my dome immediately went into overdrive, figuring out what I could pull off with my new found power.  I wonder how many chicks went into the hospital to give birth, and came out with a new set of tits and their husband driving a Corvette.

Of course, they hooked her up to some monitors and they checked to see how far dilated her cervix was.  This is done manually.  I did not know that going in, but found in very interesting. One second the nurse is telling Randi to relax, and the next minute she’s three fingers deep.  I haven’t seen action like that since the last Paris Hilton video.

It seemed checking dilation is the number one activity when you are in the delivery room.  They did it like every hour or two.  And it seemed to be a different person every time.  All these different nurses checked her.  At least 4 doctors checked her.  And I am pretty sure Carlos from the maintenance staff was checking her, although he claimed to be fixing her bed.  There were so many people waiting to check her, the hospital set up a Fast Pass system like the have at Disney World.  Why waste time in line to check Randi’s cervix when you could be riding Space Mountain instead??

In addition to all the nurses and doctors that came in to check out Randi, there was this med student.  An Asian kid named Joel.  How can a guy from Tokyo and my rabbi have the same first name?  Anyway, McAsian was the best.  Every time the doctor came in to tell us something, he was there as well.  After the doctor would give us the update, Joel would chime in something uplifting.  Doctor: “The baby’s heart rate is strong, and you are responding well to the IV.” Joel: “You’re doing great!”  Doctor: “OK, you’re 3cm dilated” Joel: “Exciting isn’t it?”  Doctor: “I don’t want you eating anything further other than ice chips”  Joel: “You’re going to make fantastic parents.”  This was his only function.  He was like the Paula Abdul of the group.  When Randi was pushing, I fully expected Joel to tell her he loved her and she was blossoming as an artist.

When it did come time to push, it was pretty insane.  Randi’s actual doctor showed up, and gave us a quick rundown on what was to happen.  He then changed into his scrubs, but there was way more to it than I thought.. He looked like one of the fisherman in “The Perfect Storm”.  He had on an entire rubber suit, But when you think about it, can you blame him? He’s about to put his schnoze right into a woman’s undercarriage and tell her to push as hard as she can.  Who knows what’s gonna fly out at him.

So the doctor says, “Hold her leg up around her head….””No sweat, we’ve been in this position many times (wink wink)” “….while Mom holds her other leg.” “Uh, never mind.”

Out of respect to Randi, I wont get into too much detail, but I was able to take a quick snapshot of the labor…


Anyway, so a kid pops out. The first thing I noticed was how much hair the kid had.  I expected a mostly bald baby, with maybe a couple of wisps and instead found myself face to face with Mel Kiper Jr.  And that was just her head.  Apparently, babies are covered in fur.  This kid may not have gotten my nose, but she CERTAINLY got my back hair.  Throw a wifebeater on her and she could pass for Tony Soprano.  With Sylvio’s ‘do.

It was almost surreal.  There was now this little person in the world who I was completely responsible for, and I don’t mean taking care of Barcus when he got too fucked up.  I ran out to tell my parents and sent tons of text messages to our friends.  “It’s a girl! I am so fucked!”  I must have taken 300 pictures of her, hopefully getting all the topless photos out her system now.  

The first night really went well.  We were able to send the baby to the nursery so we could get a few hours sleep, and I was able to sneak out to the nurse’s station for an emergency sponge bath.

By day two, I already had changing diapers down pat.  I had the nurses do it.  Ok, I am kidding.  I had Randi do it.

So after convincing the Department of Child Services that no, I am not the same DMut from this website, they let us take the little booger home.   Its been an interesting couple of weeks, but I think I got the hang of it.    More to come.