STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

Whats the deal with Sarah Palin's kid's names? Trig,Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper??  What kind of hippy Alaskan bullshit is that? Something wrong with Steve, Mark, Ann, Michelle and Jessica?  Hey Bruce Willis and Demi Moore called.  They want their stupid children's names back. (Author's note: those three trolls are named Rumer, Tallulah and Scout)

FYI, Its not that I don't like her.  I do.  But I REALLY liked her when she was on the Soprano's...

Yes Tony, Alaska is far away

How hot is this GOP VP pick? Its one thing to vote for a woman. Its quite another to vote for a chick who could have spun a few guest spots on Melrose Place. Meanwhile, I am pretty sure the KGB has the ability to find her sex tape on the internet. How'd you like to have that one hanging over you America? A video of your V.P. banging an Eskimo floating around the G8 summit.

FYI, this wouldn't be the first time in American history Maverick and Cougar have worked together...

The ubiquitous Lego Man turned 30 this week.  Only 30?  I'm not impressed.  Barbie and Ken are pushing their 60's, although they've had enough work done to make Joan Rivers blush.  But forget his age for a second.  When the fuck did they turn the Lego Man into the Village People?? 

Sometimes, marriage sucks.  My brother, Kip and and some friends are heading to Vegas in October for the Sushi Samba grand opening at the Venitian.  Normally, I'd be on a trip like this faster than Ellen on Portia di Rossi's poon.  Instead I have to go to  Randi's grandfathers 80th birthday party in Frozencock, Minnesota.  These guys are going to be sipping cocktails off Perfect 10 model's tits, while I'm playing dominos in a VFW Hall.  They've got a suite; I'm staying in the community guest room off the lobby of the assisted living facility.  At least while they are losing at the table's, Randi's grandfather will be tipping me quarters every time I sneak him any bite of food his doctor says he can't have.  FYI, He pays double for salted peanuts.

Speaking of her grandfather giving me money, I love when he hands me a handful of singles and tells me to take Randi out for a special night.  Pops, there is only one kind of "special" night out you can have with a pocket full of singles, and being I'll be taking my wife, it aint gonna happen anyway.

And when did OGR make the women's softball team?? 

Despite what they told you in high school, you apparently can get a chick pregnant just by beating off to her DVD's....Gratuitous Cleavage Shot

Guilty as charged.

And when did Vincent Pastore aka "Big Pussy" make the women's softball team?? 

When the fuck did BMX biking become an Olympic sport?  The last time I even saw a BMX was when my neighbor moved away in 4th grade, taking his Mongoose with him.  Do they get bonus points for 80's mullets?  And they have mountain biking and windsurfing too??  Its already a disgrace that they allow pong pong, er, table tennis, but turning the XXIX Olympiad into the fucking X-games is too much.  Why not add in beer pong and strip poker and just call it Greek Week.

And when did Camryn Manheim make the women's softball team??

The first six weeks or so having a baby is torture.  You have the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep and of course, no sexytime.  I don't get why women need 6-8 weeks on the DL.  So there is a little tearing.  Paul Pierce tore up his ankle in game 3 of the NBA Finals and was back the next fucking night!

Around week 6, Randi was feeling up to giving it a try.  Physically I mean.  Getting mentally prepared for me to climb back aboard took a couple of more weeks.  And hypnosis.

After a brief stint in the minors, I was ready to take the mound.  Literally.  We opened a bottle of wine, put on some music, and I musked up.  30 3 minutes later, I rolled over and asked how it was.  "It was uncomfortable and I couldn't get into it."  Well, at least  things were right back to normal.

Yes, once I again I disappeared for a couple of months.  I apologize to my loyal readers reader.  Between all my usual summer activities (BBQ's and back shaving) and taking care of the new little Mut, I haven't had much time.  But we'll give it a go one more time...

Sunday was of course my first Fathers Day. I spent the morning at an anti tramp-stamp and belly button ring rally, followed by brunch with the family.

Randi’s gift to me was Daddy and Daughter swimming lessons. Now I am all for activities with my kid (she’s already been to Wrigley and more than one bar). However, I am not sure getting into a pool with a baby who pisses and shits indiscriminately for a living is my idea of fun. “Grab that buoy please.” “Uh, that’s a floating turd.” I mean, how do they even allow this? A grandmother in Oregon gets a stomachache and the CDC bans tomatoes in this country, but you’re telling me they are going to let 12 babies and their dads take a swim in a pool of e. coli? I’m telling you now, I am NOT getting in that water without some protection. I’m getting myself some sort of wet suit. In fact, if I have my way, I’m going to look like Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak.

Speaking of the little one, her ass-canon is at it again. She shot shit all over her changing table last night. This time, she scored a direct hit on her wipe warmer. It made it into all the crevices. Now every wipe that comes out is pre-poopied.