STRAIGHT FROM THE MUT

"Honey, to celebrate Father's Day, why don't you take Josie to a WNBA game?"

The only sport women should play professionally is pillow fighting. And I'm pretty sure exposing her to the WNBA at this stage in her development will turn her into a lesbian.

This whole “motherhood is sexy” thing is getting interesting. You know, Randi is more womanly now. So she was in the bedroom today topless. I came up behind her, reached around, and got a handful of… cocoa butter nipple cream. “You try having that little piranha sucking on YOUR tit all day.” Point taken. At least my hands are soft.

So even before the big run-up in crude prices at the end of last week, I decided to do my little part for the environment (other than no longer oiling up before I bodybuild) and ride a bike to work. Its about 35 minutes and 6 miles. How the fuck do people do this regularly?!?! First of all, by the time I got to work, my legs were noodles and my nerves were fried from almost getting run over 11 times. But even worse, when I went up to the gym to shower and got undressed, to my horror, I realized my penis was actually inverted. And my balls were tucked up into my butt. I realized the bike seat wasn’t that comfortable, but I didn’t expect to end up looking like Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs. At least the only one that saw me was the towel guy in the locker room. The real embarrassment was being seen in a bike helmet. There is no way to look good in a bike helmet. Unless you a really hot chick, and are wearing nothing else. JMut saw me, and gave me this look of disgust usually reserved for a Marine's son when he comes out of the closet. I looked like a cross between Lance Armstrong and Rosie O'Donnell. Not sure I am going to wear it anymore. I'm starting to think that life in a coma may be the preferable alternative.

So Saturday, I went to Ribfest here in Chicago, sending my weight rocketing from 205 on Friday to 211.5 this morning (see photo).


Oh, and oil was up 13% in two days, to a record price of $481,367 a barrel.

We had our first disaster with the baby the other night. Baxter (our jihadist dog) broke into the diaper pail. We came home and found poopie diapers all over the living room. When I saw him, I yelled at him, but he sat there just licking his lips. Like he had just finished a meal at Morton's. As I got closer to him, I realized he had poop all over his face. He literally had a shit beard. Imagine Moses, but with doodie instead of hair. This mother fucker gets steak and chicken half the time for dinner, and the one night he is stuck with plain ole Puppy Chow, he thinks he has to go searching for something with a little more “flavor”. So be warned. When a dog sniffs your ass, he’s not just saying hello.

Last night was my turn for the 3AM feeding, so I just gave the baby a bottle...

Life as a parent has definitely changed me.  I took the baby for a walk the other day, and I passed this couple walking with their two little kids.  Instead of oogling the mom's considerable rack, I found myself strangely enamored with the stroller the guy was pushing. The thing was a double wide, with enough room for both kids, and like 44 pounds of baby gear.  It had huge oversized tires and chrome finishes.  I am pretty sure I saw a GPS. It was like the Escalade of strollers.  Throw in a couple of bootylicious black chicks and spinners on the tires, and it could appear in the next Jay-Z video.  I felt so bad for Josie.  These brats are rolling around like Rob and Big, and my poor kid is strapped into a Dodge Neon.  Stroller envy.  It hurts inside.